I was sitting with three other clergy recently. I was the youngest one present, although not by much. We each have been ordained for over a quarter century. We were speaking about changes since those days early after our ordinations. While there was discussion of shifting congregational demographics and the diminishing standard of dress by those attending funerals, we agreed that what has changed the most is the manner in which young people [those under the age of 30] view the sacrament of Holy Matrimony.
In the past decade or so there has been the development of the "It's My Special Day!" school for brides. While the wedding day is certainly one of importance for the bride and groom, the vast bulk of bridal literature makes it clear that, on her wedding day, all things on earth, and apparently in heaven, take their place behind the bride and her dress, her cake, her needs, her wants, her very being. In this brave new reality, only the bride's mother may bask in the close illumination of the Princess/Goddess. The groom often becomes a handy prop, more like his figure on the wedding cake than a living, breathing human with as much vested in the moment as the bride.
Needless to say, Jesus isn't on the guest list.
In the past few years I've worked with a bride whose appreciation for those invited, and bearing gifts, was such that she was two hours late to the liturgy in order to get her hair just perfect, another who was a mere ninety minutes late [I remember that one because it was a hot, humid afternoon in a 75 seat church without air conditioning into which 150 people had been crammed], and another so consumed with reception planning that she was still talking to the caterer on her cell phone as the bridal procession began. When her cell phone, which was in her father's tux jacket pocket, rang during the exchange of vows, her dad looked at me with the most helpless expression I think I've ever seen on a homo sapien.
I once had a couple come by the office to discuss having their wedding at the church. As this is one of those seminal moments in the lives of young adults, I always find their early trepidation and mutual concern touching. Of course, it was a little more difficult to appreciate this moment since the bride-to-be brought her mother along instead of the groom. Mom clearly wanted to have the wedding at our parish because it was convenient to the location of the reception. When the sacrament takes a backseat to petit fours, you know this is going to be a church wedding only because that was the chapter in Martha Stewart's wedding book that the bride-to-be liked the best.
Still, I knew the groom was a colleague's son and, even though it appeared that the bride was in the early stages of transformation into the Princess/Goddess of the "It's My Special Day!" school, I agreed to begin the process with them. They began pre-marital counseling with an ordained professional, filled out the pre-requisite paperwork, were given our music director's name and number, and scheduled the date for their wedding.
We never heard from them again.
I gather that they are to be married in some non-sacramental structure somewhere near the site of the reception. Apparently, Princess/Goddesses don't deign to notify mere clergy and musicians of changes in their schedules.
It's just as well, as it was clear that this was not going to be a moment of sacramental solemnity or eternal promise, anyway. First, the bride desired that a "poem", read and composed by a friend of hers, be inserted into the Book of Common Prayer's nearly 500-year-old liturgy. I've sat through these before. When placed in juxtaposition with the artistry and wonder of Christian scripture, a friend's incomprehensible "poem" makes "Roses are Red and Violets are Blue" look like a model of layered literary meaning and sophisticated construction. Second, the bride wanted to be able to compose her own vows. Presumably, the groom was to do so as well, although I thought maybe the bride's mother was going to write his.
If you wonder what that's like, let me offer this actual example of offal:
Minister: Will you take her as your wife? Will you love her all your life?
Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife, Yes, I'll love her all my life.
Minister: Will you have, and also hold Just as you have at this time told?
Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold, Just as I have at this time told, Yes, I will love her all my life As I now take her as my wife.
Nice, huh? I really feel the Holy Spirit working through that exchange. Maybe Dr. Seuss did the pre-marital counseling. How about this:
"I promise to make your favorite chocolate-chip pancakes on Saturdays."
Or at least until we're older and our cholesterol is too high.
Here's an exchange that really elevates the occasion:
Groom: I choose you to be my wife. In front of our friends and family gathered here I promise to love and cherish you throughout the good times and bad times. I promise to try to remember to put down the toilet seat and to replace the toilet roll when it finishes. I promise to remember this day with love and roses. I will love you always.
Bride: I choose you to be my husband. In front of our friends and family, I promise to love and cherish you through every obstacle that may come into our path. I promise to learn how to change a tire and how to refill the windshield fluid when it runs out. I will comfort you when your team loses and drink beer with you when they win. I will love you always.
I think the Christian martyrs may have thought twice about their sacrifice if they knew that silly youngsters and a mercenary bridal industry would attempt to turn their witness into witlessness.
I appreciate that Jesus worked his first miracle at a wedding. He changed water into wine to enrich the celebration of the entire community and so that all had something in which to share. It would become the metaphor for his entire ministry and its realization through the cross.
Given what some brides, er, couples, wish to do with contemporary church weddings, I think they may have thought that Jesus was at Cana of Galilee to perform some magic act as part of the entertainment.